I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
