There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Randomize
