I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize