I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
