I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
