The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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