I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
