70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
