I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He shit in the fireplace
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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