this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
