And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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