Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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