Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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