he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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