ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
