Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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