wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
