Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
