i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize