I got chris browned last night
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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