You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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