I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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