Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
