I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
