Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
