Don't make out with my wife yet
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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