so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
