omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
