who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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