I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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