eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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