my mouth tastes like poor choices
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
