I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize