I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
