i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
