I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
