bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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