New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
