meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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