He asked me if I "almost moaned"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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