Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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