Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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