My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
