So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
