I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
