I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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