I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
