My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
