Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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