I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
