I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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