Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
