I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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