I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
