the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
