R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
