So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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