Sorry, I don't speak sober.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
