you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
