Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
