i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
