I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize