i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
im six kinds of drunk right now
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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