I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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