Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
